Change

I am at a crossroads in my life right now, and so many possibilities lie ahead of me. Omens, fate, guidance, voices; I don't know what to call them, but they are there nonetheless. I see them and feel their pull upon me.
The blinders of a false sense of duty and obligation have been lifted and there is clarity behind my eyes and purpose in my steps now that will carry me into a path I have no earthly ability to know right now, save for the simple fact that it IS there, that it IS where i need to be, and that it IS alright that I approach openly; not without fear, but with a sense of curiosity and openness and let these omens, fates, guides, and/or voices lead me. I know they have no reason to deceive me, nothing to gain by trickery. They merely ARE, and my perception and reaction to them is what will write the upcoming chapters of my life. Blank sheet, sharpened pencil.......

Here we go.........

Thanks

Motherhood is a life of contradiction; self sacrifice and redemption. Endless, at times painful, love for your child, and a knowing that at times, you will be spurned. Investing your entire soul into a being you know will one day leave you. Trying not to lose yourself, while denying yourself at the same time.
Motherhood teaches lessons to our progeny that will take them years to understand; lessons in grace, respect, truth, dignity and love. The act of being a mother is often taken lightly; the act of mothering, never. To be a mother means a level of selflessness that earns commendations and medals in a man's world, and upturned noses in social circles when you tell people what your occupation is. Mothering is the art of separating yourself from that which you are most deeply connected to and the seemingly impossible task of pinning all your hopes while none of your dreams on your child.
To be a mom requires patience, determination, strength of character, wit, and a lot of tissues. It requires all of you, all the time.
It requires better treatment, better understanding than it gets.
To our moms, living or gone, all we can say is "Thank You", and give you this day, because there is no word in our lexicon that could ever convey the debt of gratitude that we owe you. You ARE heroes; the ones we will carry in our hearts forever-be you our own or the mothers of the shared joys that are our children.
Thank you, for everything.

choice

The most difficult internal struggle to face is to stand up and be counted
even when you know what's coming....

soul

Last night, my wife and I were talking-really talking- over drinks, when our lovely three year old came upstairs and crawled on my lap. Now, I am the first person to admit just how much I love this, but my schedule hasn’t given me much opportunity to take advantage of this as of late. Even more than this, however, I have had instances where I actually found other things to do rather than stop and take the time to just BE with either of our daughters or my lovely wife: BE understanding, BE patient, BE kind, BE loving.

BE there, no matter what.

So, little Ramona takes her place on my lap, and while I am conversing she nuzzles deep into my chest and turns her head to look up at me. I look down at her, smile and there it is… right there in those stunning blue eyes is her whole future right before me. I don’t, of course, mean anything like proms, college, or her first kiss. I mean her entire being; completely guileless. In her three years and odd months on this earth, I, her father, had never seen this before. I can’t help but wonder if that is the gift a new mother is given when she sees her newborn for the first time; the ability to look deeply into, and see a soul peer back at you. Not existing; being.

Existing in the moment involves an ability to remain calm and open to what life brings you; skills I need to perfect. Or maybe that’s just it. Maybe there’s nothing to actually perfect; nothing that involves the distraction of, or consuming yourself with. Maybe it’s the act of learning to accept things with honesty, openness, and without pretense. Learning to be may just involve the simple act of actually being.

no apologies

“Our Ultimate Freedom Is The Right And Power To Decide How Anybody Or Anything Outside Ourselves Will Affect Us” -Stephan Covey
I will never apologize for loving you. I will never be able to apologize enough for HOW I loved you. That no longer defines me, however. I am not the sum total of others’ experiences of me; my book has too many chapters not written in my own hand, too many passages that were carved, not written into it. Allowing the voice of other to dictate me to myself is the greatest Sin an individual can bestow upon himself- upon his progeny.
I am free.

“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.” –Richard Bach

As I lay awake last night, thinking on things, the quote which has become my wife’s new mantra kept playing over and over in my head:”Let It Go”. So simple, so deliciously succinct and applicable to virtually any situation; it is, at the same time seemingly impossible to master. Then came the above quote, and suddenly it became clear. The key is to stop, shut up and allow the gift to come to you. Now, I am the first to admit that two of my flaws which are deeply ingrained are: jumping to defend myself the minute someone has something to say about my actions, and forcing things into my own perceptions of how they should be in my own narrow minded model of life. Let It Be.

It has taken a monumental upheaval to teach me that my first reaction is NOT the correct one, and that shutting up and letting things be may open doors that I never even dreamed existed. By my listening, I heard wisdom.

So, for you, my (ironically) new found muse, I am Letting It Go. There are things out there beyond the scope of my knowledge and abilities, and I am letting their wisdom teach me. I surrender everything that was the past and the anger and sorrow and heartache that goes with it to a realm I cannot begin to understand. I forgive those who have, either intentionally or not, hurt me, and I forgive myself. No more energy devoted to lamenting the shortcomings I feel my life has become, and no more tears for those who could not be who I wanted them to be. No more seeking in others the void I feel within me. All is in the past, all is forgotten. You showed me the power of being in the moment, not chained to what was.

Let It Be, Let It Be.

refuge

It is a soft breath that kindles an ember;

Turns it to love, or by tempest, extinguishes…… soft spoken breath

That surrounds in comfort; a word in anger that forces a gale

   That tosses the fragile craft of a soul and dashes it against the shoals, rending it and

maiming its passengers.  Trust broken, when gentle

            takes flight. 

   It is good now that you look within yourself

To seek solace,  and self. I stand apart from you now,

Speaking soft breaths, hoping to help rekindle the you -my harsh words

Having exploded your life-

      Dashed your heart and drove you away. 

I gather strength within myself, carving  a place for you that you might discover a haven

From the storm that was once me.

I hope you find you and your heart again

    I hope you take refuge

In the softness that is me.