The honesty of the piece is what captured me. I, too, lost a parent early, and have grappled on numerous occasions with some character flaws that I have glossed over. I am learning that it isn't speaking ill of the dead to mention these now; I feel that it is more of a testament to them as a person that they, too had to learn to handle their anger. That they, too had moments of paralyzing self doubt, or indecision.
I realize that it is okay to view them as a whole, for without that, we cannot affect change within ourselves. The Japanese have a saying; " the gods are in the details", and I believe that is the very essence of being human. Our humanity lies within our flaws, and by diminishing them, we weaken our own experiences.
My dad was very strict, could be short of temper on occasion and not a great demonstrator of affection; I am his carbon copy. I have far too many moments in my life where I allow day to day stresses to override my common sense, and flail wildly to cling to a part of my life I feel I can still control. The more my arms wave, the more they push those close away. The louder my voice, the less those around hear. In those moments of fear when I need my family, the more I isolate them from me.
That is why i feel that dear Jessica's memoir prompted such amazing feelings within me. I only had a small bit of contact with her mother before she passed; I knew nothing of her demons, or her past. I only now find out what a strong person she was to overcome them, and to end them rather than pass them on to her children. Anger, like hate, is a learned behavior. The way we deal with it determines the quality of time that those around us will allow us. I
feel that the effort made by her mother is a true testament to her own courage and ability to see the good in both herself and within her children.
That is the reason she is so missed, and the reason I want to search deeper within myself.
I don't want to forget what it was like to have courage.
